Nicole vs. Life
I CAN MOONWALK!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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