I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
