I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
