I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
