so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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