he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
