based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
These tits shall not be calmed
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
