I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize