The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
