Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
