I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
