I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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