Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
