Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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