The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize