Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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