what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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