oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My life is pants optional.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
