just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
