I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
