I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
