My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
