Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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