in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
