maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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