i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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