What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
