Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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