Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
