My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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