yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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