My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
