the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
