remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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