So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize