just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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