Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
