I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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