She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
im on a boat
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