I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
3 2 1 whiskey
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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