Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
