can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
