Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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