you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
