she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize