I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
