we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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