Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
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