Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love having hate sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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