The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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