fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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