I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
