The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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