hotel room ftw
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
