Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
